2015

2014 was somewhat of a transition year for me. I was on the road to finding peace, mentally and emotionally. It was a year full of finding and picking up the pieces. There were some sunny highs, and some dark lows. Matt and I got engaged in April, we started planning the wedding, I continued taking classes in grad school, and continued my 3rd year with the Patriots. It was a decent year, full of distractions, to pick myself up off the ground.

Then came 2015. That year picked me up off the ground, plopped me on my feet, and said, “It’s time to move forward.” It’s almost like my parents took all of 2014 to plan out the best year for me that they could think of, and gave me 2015.

January.

We were headed to Super Bowl XLIX! We are so spoiled, here in New England. Am I right, Pats fans? Being a cheerleader for the best team in the NFL was nothing short of an absolute privilege. I’m so grateful to have been able to cheer on the Patriots, in live-action from the sidelines, for over 45 games. And I suppose it wasn’t too rough sharing the field with Tom Brady, either.

I can still remember the first time I stepped onto that field in August, 2012. Standing there, with one pom on my heart, and one behind my back, my heart raced as the National Anthem began. I thought, “Am I really standing here, is this real life?” as I breathed it all in. My heart felt like it was going to beat right out of my chest. I was used to cheering at football games, but never one like this. Never one with over 70,000 screaming, passionate fans.

After three years [on the team] and a handful of nail-biter playoff games, we were finally headed to the Super Bowl. Super Bowl XLIX.

A cheerleader can only stay on the squad for 4 years, and you have to re-audition each year to make it back. When you make the team, you hope and pray that your 4 years will include a trip to the Super Bowl. And you pray even harder that the Patriots win.

On February 1st 2015, the Patriots defeated the Seattle Seahawks, 28-24, at the University of Phoenix in Glendale, AZ. And that, my friends, was the ultimate trip of a lifetime.

February.

While packing my suitcase(s) for the Super Bowl trip, I also had to include my laptop and grad. school books. My final thesis was due on February 1st. Yes – you read that right, the same night of the Super Bowl. I spent the entire week and a half before doing everything I could to get as much as I could done. It was pretty important for it to be absolutely perfect, considering it was my final submission.

In between promotions and interviews, I found some time to put the final touches on my thesis, and was able to submit it the Saturday night before. Although it was extremely hard to focus on grad. school with all the excitement in Arizona, I felt so relieved to finally be done with school.

Finishing grad. school on time meant a lot to me. I was on my second semester in the fall of ’13, and despite the chaos around me, I pushed through to stay on track. My teachers were incredible as far as allowing me to take my time with assignments, and being really lenient when I needed them to be. I’m eternally grateful to them for working with me during that time.

I received my Master of Marketing and Communication diploma in May. After 19 years of school, I felt more accomplished than ever.

March.

Wedding month is finally here! After just about a year of crazy planning, Matt and I were about to have the wedding of our dreams.

I could hardly sleep the night before (aside from staying up with my amazing bridesmaids most of the night). It was like Christmas eve, but SO much better. I couldn’t believe that the next day was my wedding day. It’s hard to wrap your head around the fact that for months you’re planning and organizing and counting down and then, out of no where, the big day is here.

I remember waking up that morning and looking out the window to see these big, fluffy snowflakes falling softly to the ground. I know most people would be upset about snow on their wedding day, but not me.

My Mom loved when it was snowing.

That was the first sign of the day that she was there with me. I remember waking up and my heart sank a little knowing that my Mom wasn’t going to be greeting me downstairs, jumping up and down saying, “It’s your wedding day, honey!”.

I was also anticipating the walk down the aisle that wouldn’t include my Dad. I had decided that I would be walking alone down the aisle, as I felt that anyone else stepping in would be taking his place. That was my Dad’s place to be, and I saved that special place for him.

As I put on my dress, I started crying uncontrollably, and I found that I couldn’t stop.

I had my wedding dress on. My hair and makeup was perfect. I felt beautiful. I was about to marry the most incredible person I’d ever known. So why couldn’t I stop crying?

I needed them. I needed her. It was as if I was on autopilot – all the planning, the anticipation, the organizing; I kept going while in the back of my mind I was subconsciously praying that my Mom and Dad were going to magically show up on my wedding day. But they weren’t there. My Mom wasn’t there to put on my veil, or give me her sweet advice as I was about to become a bride. It was as though I wasn’t going to stop crying until she walked through the door.

I’m now standing alone behind the church doors, anxiously waiting for them to open. I had a million emotions running through my body. My Dad should be here. I should have my arm wrapped around his, and he should be telling me how I’ll always be his little girl. I’m biting the inside of my cheek as hard as I can to stop the tears from falling.

And then those doors opened. And I saw my husband’s face.

Every single worry, every single instance of sadness left my body. I locked eyes with him, and it’s like the sky opened up and the sun was beaming through. He had always been my strength, my solitude. We were here, today, to promise ourselves to each other. He’s all I’ve ever needed, and I couldn’t wait for my hands to meet his at the end of that aisle.

My Dad was a beautiful musician, to say the least. I chose to walk down the aisle to one of his instrumental pieces. Hearing his song play was therapeutic and soothing, and made me feel like he was right there with me.

In place of the father-daughter dance, my sisters and I danced together to another one of his beautiful songs. There were tears, and there were laughs. It was a pure, beautiful moment.

Our day was perfect, snowflakes and all. All of our favorite people, all in one room. How often do you get to throw a party with every single one of your loved ones and friends?

We honeymooned in Cancun that next week, and had a ‘honeymoon part 2’ in August, when we traveled to Hawaii for two weeks. It felt like those months after were one big honeymoon – like living on cloud 9.

I married my best friend on March 28th, 2015, and life has been a lot sweeter ever since.

June.

We were headed to the sunny beaches of Punta Cana to shoot the 2016 New England Patriots Cheerleaders swimsuit calendar. I have to admit that this was one of my favorite perks, of many, about being on the squad.

Before I made the team, I had never done a professional photoshoot before. I guess I never really thought about doing it, nor did I think I was capable of being ‘good’ at it.

During auditions my rookie year, we were each given a swimsuit calendar from the previous year. I remember looking at it and thinking, “I can’t imagine getting to go on a trip to an exotic location and actually do a photoshoot that will be featured in an NFL swimsuit calendar. In my dreams!”.

Well, dreams do come true – if you work hard enough.

This was my fourth and final swimsuit calendar trip. It felt like just yesterday that I was at my rookie calendar shoot, posing cluelessly against a palm tree, acting like I knew what the heck I was doing.

The week was incredible; there’s nothing like spending a “work” week at a gorgeous beach resort with 25+ of your best girl friends. We would find out each night who would be shooting the next day, and make plans to go support each other at everyone’s shoots. In between shoots we had promotional events for the other guests staying at the resort. We put on a few shows for the guests, as well, that included fun games and dance performances. It’s just an awesome experience, overall.

My shoot came, and I took in every single moment. I hugged our director and the photography/camera crew a little tighter, knowing it was our last time working together. As we were walking off set, I wanted to bawl my eyes out. How did I just complete my LAST shoot of my cheer experience?!

Every year at the end of the week, the cover shoot is announced. We find out where the location will be, and who will be chosen.

It was the second to last day before we were headed home, and we were getting back from a promotional event. We were told to meet in the lobby for the cover shoot announcement. I sat there in the lobby, looking around at my beautiful friends, wondering which of them it would be. Would there be one, two or three girls? Would it be a sunrise shoot? Would it b-

And then my name was called.

Wait, did she just say my name?

Never in a million, bajillion years did I ever think that I would be chosen for the cover. Never. Nope. Not me.

Well, it was happening. And it happened SO fast.

The cover shoot would include me and one other girl on the team. Next thing I knew I was headed to the gym with our trainer for a serious last minute workout. We had to be up and in hair and makeup that next (early) morning at 1:30am, for a shoot that started somewhere around 4:30am.

We were shooting at sunrise, on the rooftop of one of the resort buildings, with the palm trees and the ocean to our backs. We got into our pose, and I remember turning around and looking out into the beautiful ocean and the sun just peeking over the line where the ocean met the sky. I wanted to live in that moment forever.

Shooting the cover was so beyond surreal. It was a dream that I felt was so far out of reach, but it actually happened. It was like the icing on top of an indescribable journey. And man, it was definitely one for the books.

October.

The Fall started out pretty awesome.

There was Hawaii, where Matt and I swam with sea turtles, hiked up some crazy intense mountains, and tried acai bowls for the first time. There was that time when my teammates and I received the most incredible Super Bowl gifts we could have asked for – beautiful Super Bowl pendants. There was the Home Opener after the Super Bowl win – need I say more?

And then one day, I woke up and it felt like I had been whipped up into a tornado, tossed around, and thrown back onto the ground. I could not lift my head off the pillow. I had never felt that sick in my entire life.

A week or two went by, and I still felt awful. Absolutely awful. My throat, more than anything else, was killing me.

On Monday morning, October 12th, I called my Grandmother and asked her to come down and stay with me for a few days. When she got here, she insisted that we go to a walk-in clinic (I didn’t have insurance at the time, as I was in transition between insurances, and wasn’t going to be added onto Matt’s until early November). I hadn’t gone to the doctor yet because I figured it was just a common cold and my body was taking longer to fight it off.

I gave in, and we headed into the walk-in emergency room.

“I just have to ask, just to be sure, could you possibly be pregnant?” the nurse asked.

“Nope, I don’t think so,” I answered.

“Okay well before we prescribe anything, we do need to run a pregnancy test just to be sure.” she said.

I sat in the room with my Grandmother, waiting for the nurse to come back with the negative pregnancy test, so we could proceed with diagnosing whatever the heck was attacking my body.

“You’re pregnant!” the nurse bounced in the room, with a huge smile on her face.

“What!? How is that even possible?” I was absolutely, and entirely, shocked.

I was shocked, but it was certainly a combination of shocked and excited! Matt and I weren’t trying necessarily, but I suppose we weren’t not trying. I suppose.

My Grandmother burst into tears. I know that it was a combination of being happy for me, and wishing my Mom was here to share this moment with us.

“Well, sorry to say but this means that we can’t prescribe you anything, and all of your other flu tests came back negative, so you’ll just have to let this run its course unfortunately.” I wasn’t looking forward to letting this awful cold run its course, but I didn’t have much of an option!

Cheering instantly came to mind. I had heard that your first pregnancy can take a long time to “show”, so I figured I could keep cheering for a few months. We wore our winter uniforms pretty early anyway, so I’d be covered up by next month.

After the appointment, I took about 20 additional pregnancy tests just to be sure. Those two blue lines kept popping up, loud and clear!

I continued to push through the demon of a cold, and chugged warm lemon water and tea. As I’ve previously mentioned, I’m not into medication of any type, so I did my best to look up natural remedies for nasty colds. It just did not want to go away.

I knew that sometimes in the beginning of pregnancy, women come down with colds and light sickness due to their bodies getting ready for the pregnancy, but why was mine so intense? I had literally been deathly ill for over a month. It wasn’t even so much nausea, but just the flu-type sickness that wouldn’t budge.

One morning I cracked an egg open and two yolks fell into the pan. I never thought anything of it at the time.

The night before our first ultrasound, Matt and I went out to dinner and when were leaving I said I couldn’t believe how stuffed I felt.

“Maybe it’s twins!” I laughed.

“Ha, don’t even joke“. He said.

Our first ultrasound was ironically on the date of our anniversary from when we started dating – November 4th.

I got settled onto the table, with Matt sitting next to me in the chair. The ultrasound tech. began looking for the baby.

She stopped the probe, and began lots of clicking. She wasn’t speaking. I looked over at her, and she still wasn’t talking. I’m thinking, “Okay, well this is awkward“.

I look closer at the screen, and notice that something doesn’t look right. Matt’s looking at the screen too, and grabs my  hand and says, “Babe, look, there’s the baby” with a big smile on his face.

He’s never seen an ultrasound before – I have. And right there in that moment, we were looking at two babies, and the poor guy had no idea.

I didn’t say a word. I was stunned. And I was waiting for the tech. to say something. Anything!

“Well, you’re about 7 weeks along” she says, “and there are two babies in there”.

I’ve never seen Matt’s head jerk so fast in another direction. “What?”

The tech. smirked, and told us she’d be right back; she needed to get one of the other doctors.

Okay, now I’m freaking out. Why the heck did she leave like that?! And now I’m crying. Hysterically. And I mean, hysterically.

How am I going to fit two babies in here? How will we afford two? Why did she leave the room like that? Is something wrong with them? HOW am I going to fit two babies in here?!

Matt hugged me and assured me that it was all going to be great, and we’d be perfectly fine, and my belly would definitely make room for two babies. He is always the best when I’m at my worst.

It felt like an eternity before she came back.

The door finally opened. “Okay, I needed the doctor to look and make sure there was a dividing membrane between the babies, so make sure they each had their own amniotic sac. And they do! These are considered Monochorionic Diamniotic, also known as identical twins.”

Still crying, I just stared at her.

“You’ll be okay honey, this is great news! Twins are the best.”

It took about a month for Matt and I to get used to the reality of actually having two babies. I continued to be extremely sick, it took about 2 more months to finally feel a little better, and then the morning sickness really kicked in. I did the best I could to push through on game days, but it came to a point where I just couldn’t get through those long (nearly) 12 hour days anymore at the stadium.

As I became more obviously “out of it”, I felt it was time to talk to our director. I was so nervous that I was going to get kicked off the squad. It turns out, I got the opposite reaction. She was beyond kind and supportive when I met with her to tell her the news. She hugged me and told me everything was going to be great and that I was welcome to participate in any part of cheering that I still felt comfortable doing.

Before I knew it, around 14 weeks pregnant, my belly popped. Up until that point, I was nervous something was wrong because I figured with twins you showed a lot sooner. Reality set in that I was probably going to need to hang up my pom poms a lot sooner than I expected.

We kept the pregnancy a big secret, as I wanted to wait until the season was over to announce (especially since we were so close to heading back to the Super Bowl). It really is the hardest secret to keep – ever.

As 2015 was coming to a close, I couldn’t believe the incredible year I had just experienced. On my birthday (New Years Eve) I sat on the couch next to the dimmed christmas tree lights, and rubbed my belly.

I was having twins. Two babies. I was about to bring two sweet little souls into the world. I can’t help but believe that my Mom and Dad sent down these angels – one from each of them – to make my heart whole again. They gave me the best year I could have asked for, and the finale was blessing me with two tiny heartbeats on that ultrasound monitor.

I sat there, reliving all of the beautiful moments of 2015 in my head. Little did I know, the best was yet to come.